EP6 I think you should rebel.
I told a friend that I talked to my daughter about breaking the rules and her eyes got really big and I could tell that what I was saying (and doing) wasn’t normal. I carry traditional values with me and married a guy who’s default is traditional, but one of my strengths is thinking outside the box. It’s something I’ve learned to trust and has become one of my favorite traits. Thinking outside the box is exciting and fun, it’s exhilarating… it’s where the magic happens.
Talking to my daughter about rebelling is an unconventional way to parent and not something you’ll find in the textbooks. It felt risky talking to her about this, but if I’m being completely honest, it felt riskier not talking to her about it.
When my daughter broke a rule for the 19 millionth time, I hit pause on my go-to response (because I was just so tired of the same conversation and same disappointed feelings) and I decided to try something different. I could sense the possibility of something new in that moment and could see in her eyes that something was there. My deepest desire in parenting is to see my kids… truly see them and parent them from that place. I pray a lot, ask for forgiveness a lot and I just keep listening to them.
So, instead of trying, again, to fix something in my daughter that society often deems bad, I decided to parent from a place of acceptance and hope. Control invites rebellion, either out in the open or hidden, and for this conversation, I decided to release control. I took the opportunity to talk to her about the nitty-gritty of rules with understanding and empathy. Rules are in place to keep us and those around us healthy and safe. We talked about examples of such rules, like we brush our teeth twice a day so our teeth stay healthy; we don’t chat with strangers on our online games because we don’t know who’s on the other end; we wear seat belts to keep us safe while we’re in the car; we eat good-for-us foods to keep our bodies healthy… our family has rules to keep us safe and healthy and there are rules out in the world that are put in place to keep all of us safe and healthy.
I also told her I don’t like to follow the rules either and YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN HER EYES. These are the moments that send me to my knees. You know those moments where you connect with your kids on a deeper level? I know she felt seen and heard and if I get nothing else right in parenting, this is where I want to win. These are the seeds I’m committed to planting. I intentionally left the conversation open because I know this won’t be the last time we talk about this.
When people think of a rebel they typically think of a trouble-maker or someone who causes inconvenient disruptions. They’re usually labeled as the problem kids or problem adults. There are developmental stages where rebellion is natural, like teenage years and the years where we’re trying to figure out who we are aside from our parents. There are also adults who act-out and operate from wounded places. These could be whole podcast episodes and while there may be some crossover, that’s not necessarily the rebellion I’m talking about here.
Rebels aren’t highly regarded and they’re typically frowned upon. But I’d like you to consider a different way of thinking about us:
Rebels challenge the status quo and typically question the way things are. They’re creative and think outside the box and while some act-out, most are trying to figure out how to use these powers for good. We want to be accepted, heard and seen just like everyone else.
Being in relationship with someone who pushes the limits and questions the way things are can be hard. I have moments in parenting where I see myself in my kids and I just stop and either take a deep breath or have a little moment or sometimes both and sometimes, I’ll go ahead and pour that glass of wine. It’s hard, but the world needs people who challenge things and cause us to think differently. It’s the natural order of things—it’s necessary.
I came across this list* for what rebels want from their boss and thought it was so great and really helpful for parenting, personal identity, and partnerships, too.
1. We are not trouble makers.
2. We care about work more than anyone else that’s why we are willing to engage in conflict.
3. We need an environment where it is safe to disagree and challenge the status quo.
4. Love our differences and quirks.
5. Challenge us; let us prove our wild ideas at work. We want to be stretched.
6. Don’t give us lip service.
7. Coach us on how to navigate things so we avoid making mistakes.
8. Rebelliousness is a positive behavior—it’s an act of courage and risk taking.
9. Appreciate us and we’ll move mountains for you.
In my teens and 20’s rebelling was more of running away or trying to outrun my pain. Part of my struggle growing up was being forced to follow everyone else’s rules, which ultimately led to me completely disregarding my own and in-turn creating a bunch of internal chaos. My parents followed their own idealistic way of how things should be and parented me from that place.
Acknowledging something about yourself that’s outside of what you were taught or told growing up is an act of rebellion. Owning your story is an act of rebellion. Standing up for yourself is an act of rebellion. Raising your kids outside your family of origin’s belief system is an act of rebellion. I think so many of us break the rules in order live honestly and authentically and don’t even realize it. And how much better are we for these choices?
When I was talking to my daughter about the rules, I told her we, our family, aren’t reckless, we’re responsible. We fight for the good and right things and we ask God to guide us. And sometimes that means breaking the rules, going outside the lines, and doing things differently.
If we break a rule just to break a rule, it isn’t holy, it’s reckless. Martin Luther King Jr. went against the norm when he led the first black nonviolent demonstration in the United States. It lasted 382 days and ended with the Supreme Court declaring segregation on buses unconstitutional. That’s holy rebellion.
It’s important to consider where we’re coming from when we rebel—where’s our heart? What’s our intention or come-from? If you’re acting out in order to hurt someone, take it to the therapists’ office instead. If you’re looking for revenge, stop. Take that energy and put it to better use. You’re not wrong, you’re not a bad person, we just need to learn how to be productive with our wounds, productive with our energy.
If we go against the system in order to create a new policy that protects human rights, that takes guts and courage and is most definitely holy rebellion.
If someone’s being bullied on social media and we step in, go against the conversation in that group, and stand up for that person, that’s smart, necessary rebellion.
Rebelling doesn’t have to mean break all the rules, be disrespectful, cause harm and bulldoze everyone around you. That’s not what I’m talking about here. When I say I think you should rebel, I’m saying I think you should listen to your heart; get in tune with yourself; take responsibility for your life and make the changes necessary for you to live the life you were designed to live. Sometimes that requires us to re-evaluate belief systems that no longer serve us or are no longer true for us. Sometimes it means leaving relationships that we’ve outgrown or no longer support us. If the relationship doesn’t feel good to you, it probably doesn’t feel good for the other person, either. Changing can feel like rebelling.
I had a big breakdown about five years ago. I’ve had some aha moments in my life, but this one was a doozie. It was like my life (as I knew it) kicked me out. It hurt like hell and was really hard to navigate. It was unexpected, confusing… I was totally lost and completely devastated. I got myself back in therapy and in a lot of ways rebuilt myself. A lot of the work I was doing felt like rebelling because I’d done things a certain way for so long and those ways were no longer available to me and ultimately no longer good for me. Leveling up can feel like rebelling.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, I love definitions. I read a definition of rebelling that said it’s “an inquisitive act that helps us discover our identity, gain the confidence to stand our ground and face challenges.”
Rebellion can show up in many different ways from wearing different clothes and having different hairstyles to working in the opposite field your parents want you to work in. The rebel mindset rejects the conventional ways of thinking and please hear me when I say rebels aren’t going to do it your way and REBELS ARE NOT WRONG.
I love this from Elephant Journal:
“Rebels don’t give up. Refusing to accept the herd mentality has many benefits, but also comes with some challenges. But, because rebels are used to facing challenges and speaking their mind, they are more likely to keep fighting when others would quit. Rebels are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in and they’re determined to succeed, even if that means opening some closed doors.
Contrary to common belief, growing up as a rebel doesn’t mean being mean or destructive. You can be an intelligent, compassionate human being that brings light into the lives of your loved ones, but without playing by the rules.”
How does this make you feel? Are you uncomfortable? Are you energized? Notice what’s happening inside your body. No judgment, just notice…
Are you a rebel? Are you raising a rebel? Is your best friend a rebel, your spouse? It takes a special person to be in relationship with a gem like us. And we aren’t problems, we’re a gift, just like you.
When was the last time you broke a rule? How did you feel? Why did you do it? What happened after you broke the rule? Sometimes we get stuck because we tried to do something we really wanted to do, but received unfair backlash and then we told ourselves we weren’t gonna do that ever again. So we stopped listening, stopped evolving, and stopped growing.
I learned early on to not disrupt the peace. To not speak my mind. To not have an opinion. To trust others before trusting myself. I took that conditioning with me all the way to my 30s. I was evolving and growing, but my core identity was stuck in my childhood.
What if I told you there were no rules… What if there was no way you could get in trouble because of a choice you made? I have a friend who moved her family to Puerto Rico for this fall semester, during a Pandemic, remote learning and all… because, why not? Is someone gonna put them in timeout? Are they gonna be grounded when they get back? They’re grown adults and can make their own decisions. I love their boldness and authenticity and support them 1000 percent.
I remember when a friend challenged me to break a rule. I can’t remember what the rule was, it was small and benign, but she was challenging me with the practice of breaking a rule. I couldn’t do it. I understood where she was coming from and I could see the reward of doing this, but I mentally and physically could not do it. I was terrified of what might happen. I processed all of that whole thing and came back after a couple days and decided to do it. I told her I would break the rule and report back to her the details. The details? I got in zero trouble and actually, my whole body was exhilarated and filled with joy. I mean, tell a wounded rebel they can break a rule for the sake of the good and that you’ve got their back the whole time? SIGN ME UP.
I think you should break the rules. I think it’s time to break some rules. I think some of you should go against everything you were taught or told as a kid and do what you want. I remember my husband telling me in one of our conversations where I was spinning about this very thing and he said, “You’re a grown ass woman. Do what you want. Who cares what they think.” He was, and still is, a great sounding board.
I will always support the rebel who leads with empathy and compassion and channels their energy for good. Get in alignment with your values and priorities and start bringing new things to life—in your own life, your family’s life, your community, in the world.
The world likes to reward conformity, but ask yourself if what your doing is making you happy. And are we truly happy if the world thinks we’re great, but inside we’re miserable? Are you on a path set by you or someone else? You’re smart. You know the answer.
*List by Tanmay Vora, @tnvora
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