EP2 Look for proof.

There’s a certain magic that comes when we’re aligned with who we are. It’s attractive, inspiring.. People can feel it and we’re all drawn to it. Things happen when we get in the flow of our authentic selves and I know we all know this, but it starts with us. No one else can do this for us. It’s up to you and it’s up to me. And quick reminder—things goes sideways real quick when we put that expectation on other people. When we expect others to make us happy or expect them to change so we don’t have to? That will kill a relationship faster than anything. Our power can help us or hurt us and we decide how we use it.

Several months ago, I was a mess – unhappy, zero motivation, depressed, unshowered, I was sight, ya’ll… I was driving the struggle bus and had myself convinced I was every negative thing in the book. It was awful, and definitely not my best moment, but we’ve all been there, yes? All I could hear was Princess Negative Talks A Lot telling me all the ways I’m not awesome, not fun and how I’m never going to reach any of my dreams. I’m a wing 8 on the Enneagram and I don’t like PNT (Princess Negative Talks A Lot), so I obviously questioned these thoughts and I questioned them multiple times. Every time I did, I got this answer: well look at you, of course you’re not good enough. You’ve been hangin’ out in this mental crapshoot for-forever and you can’t manage to get yourself out. Uggghhh, y’all. She’s such a tool.

Ok, before we move on—do you guys name your inner critic? I obviously do and it’s been one of the best things. My vibe isn’t princess-ey, in fact it feels quite the opposite, so naming her Princess felt good and because she won’t shut up with her negative nonsense, Negative Talks-A-Lot seemed very fitting. Naming our inner critic allows us to see it for what it is. When we name him or her, they lose some of their power because we’re acknowledging that we’re not the problem. We don't need to be fixed. The problem is that we believe everything they’re saying… Exhibit hot mess struggle bus a couple months ago.

 I wanted to see something different, but I couldn’t. I knew these things weren’t true, I knew I was struggling, but I was still listening, still believing and still stuck. I had proof all around me that PNT was right. Or, right as I saw it.

I was talking with a friend recently about the last couple of months and how hard they’d been for both of us… and honestly, how hard the whole pandemic’s been. I know there are a lot of us on the roller coaster right now and keeping our emotional footing is hard, so I wanted to bring this conversation here to hopefully help you if you needed it. You know the feelings, emotionally dark, paralyzed, unmotivated… we’ve all felt these on some level and at some point in our lives. I wasn’t the parent or wife I wanted to be and definitely wasn’t my usual fun, spunky self. I hated it and hated myself. I know this season is hard, and for me, my usual go-to’s to help lift me up, like seeing friends face-to-face, seeing family, traveling, everything I’m used to doing is temporarily unavailable, so these feelings just become an unfortunate side effect of our time right now and can be hard to manage. BUT, it doesn’t mean we have to stay stuck or in an unhealthy place. And, regardless of the current circumstances, I still didn’t like what I was feeling. And definitely didn’t like how I was showing up. There are so many things beyond our control and the world feels incredibly hard, but there’s one thing we can control: ourselves. I know, we’ve all heard this a thousand times, but there’s a reason we’ve heard it that many times. Because it’s true.

I was done with PNT, the internal drama and all the mess and I was ready for something different… I knew the outside circumstances weren’t changing anytime soon, but I’d had enough and was done.

I think this distinction is important: I was ready to change. We’re not gonna change until we’re ready and until you get to that place, please do me a favor—cut yourself some slack. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, yes, changing our mindset or behavior sooner than later is typically helpful, but adding a layer of judgement to the work isn’t helpful, either. It’s all gonna be ok—we’ll change when we’re ready and we pray we change when needed.

So I asked myself some questions. You know… Hey, girlfriend. What in the world? What’s happening here? And of course, my all-time favorite, sister, why are we still here? I totally call the hot mess hotline on myself and I have zero shame about it because it gets me out of my head 99% of the time. Also? I ask myself these questions with a little bit of attitude because attitude is kinda sorta, maybe, a lot how I like to roll. The good kind, of course. But I added two new questions this time: What do you notice right now? And what do you see?

Something I’ve learned, something that has been a HUGE gift for me, is that when we ask ourselves questions our brains immediately go to work to find the answer. Some of you may already know this and this may logically make sense to you, but for me, it was something I never thought about and has since helped me in so many ways. When asked a question our whole brain is stimulated and serotonin is released. This release of serotonin causes the brain to relax and makes it easier to find answers and develop solutions. Our brains are wicked smart and I’m while I’m obviously not a neurologist, I do believe at the core of it all, our brains want to be in alignment with us. Also, and I don’t say this lightly—I know there are complex issues with some of the ways our brains function and I hate how it can feel like they’re working against us. Truly hate it.

So, when I was struggling and started asking myself what I noticed and what I saw, I was SHOCKED at what came up… I mean, on one end, it obviously made sense to me, but that fact that I was paying attention this time made it real… everything I noticed was dark and negative… All of it. Which, yes, if you’re feeling like this, that is what’s all around you, but that’s also how you’re showing up. If you feel bad, you’re gonna show up bad. If you feel good and powerful, then your gonna show up good and powerful and with fire in your eyes. We get in these really weird cycles where we feel stuck and everything we see is dark and we stay stuck because we must be stuck, cause, see? Everything I see is telling me I’m stuck. I haven’t moved, I’m still here, I can’t reconcile anything that’s going on…everything is dark and I’m lame and I’m awful.

I sat with what I noticed and then this bubbled up: Look for proof.

Our minds get tangled and it can be easy to get into unhealthy and unmotivating emotional and mental cycles. It sucks. And, I know it happens to everyone.

I was feeling incapable and not good enough and when I looked around I found so much proof that I was both of those things. Why wasn’t I working on things that were important to me? Because I believed I was incapable of doing anything and if that’s my come-from, then, yeah, I’m not I’m movin’ off the couch. I felt like a terrible parent. Of course I did, I wasn’t engaging with my kids the way I desire and am capable of doing… I was frozen and paralyzed with these thoughts, and smart, confident people don’t act like this… they just don’t. (Or so I told myself.) There was proof everywhere of me being incapable and not good enough.

But the shift came when I flipped the conversation. I saw my reality, accepted it for what it was, and then I went to work.

I took note of who I am and what I want and I started asking myself where those things were. I wanted proof of the GOOD things; the motivating things; the things that are actually TRUE. If I can find proof of the negative, then I want to find proof of the positive. And, I knew it was there, I just couldn’t see it. So, I started with one statement: I AM capable. It was almost like I was arguing with myself, at first. But then I got to asking… Where’s the proof? Where am I capable? I think it’s important to know that I was coming from a place of trust, and knowing that my true self really wanted to rise back up. She doesn’t like to stay buried and I know she loves her voice.

Remember the brain alignment thing? I think our whole bodies want to be in alignment with us. How I was showing up was not aligned with who I really am and that was part of the tension. It took a hot second, but as soon as I noticed one way I’m capable, I started noticing ALL the ways I’m capable… like, I birthed two healthy and beautiful children who are AWESOME; I take care of my family by creating weekly meal plans for us; I’ve successfully worked out-the-home and worked in-the-home; I have healthy and strong friendships; my marriage is good; I’ve created and sold paintings to so many amazing clients all across the country… and did you know I won best smile in high school? That’s some resume content right there. LOL But seriously, the list goes on and on and of course, my perspective changed. It had to. The truth was getting louder and the lies were getting quieter.

Flipping the conversation took time and it wasn’t easy, but I was serious about it, so I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and just started writing. I brought my pj wearin’, barely showered self to the table, and everything that came to my mind – big and small – I wrote down. I was intentional, deliberate and relentless in asking myself for proof of the good stuff. I was tired of being tired and I trusted myself to help me find the answer. I was ready to change and funny enough, I was capable of making it happen.

What does your inner critic say to you? What tape is running in your head? Do you know? Are you aware of it? Whatever’s being said to you isn’t true. Our inner critic fights the same way every time and if you start paying attention, you’ll notice it says the same.thing.every.time. It’s not smart and obviously a liar. Ask and then trust yourself to find proof that you’re the exact opposite of what it’s saying. Are you not skinny enough? Well, if you’re healthy and have a pair of jeans that you LOVE wearing, then yes, you’re skinny enough. Are you divorced and think you’re not going to find a good partner? The fact that you’re alive and here listening to this podcast means you’re worthy of a good partner.

This is a mess of season we’re in. The world is upside down and we’re all feeling it. If you’re struggling like I was, harness the power that’s keeping you down and flip it. Flip the conversation in your mind and in your body. You can do it. Pray if you need to, but s

Start small and work your way up. It doesn’t have to be big and certainly doesn’t have to be a production. You are incredibly powerful, so use your power for good, to find proof that you are awesome, that you are worthy of a good relationship, and that you are capable of being a good mom, good spouse, good employee, a good friend…. Even, and especially in, this incredibly challenging season we’re all in. Be relentless in looking for proof of the truth. Demand answers, get in alignment with who you really are and make decisions from that place. Look for proof of the truth so you can have peace and interact with the world the way you really want to. We need you. Your kids need you…. We can’t change what’s happening right now, but we can change ourselves. Do the good hard work of looking for the truth. It’s there, I promise.

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